I (Still) Really Hate Rob Zombie's 'Halloween' Remake

Believe me - I realize that criticizing Rob Zombie's Halloween remake is a lot like kicking someone when they're already down. It's already been four years since the film was released and it's endured a pretty savage beating from both fans and critics alike. So what's the point? Why drag the corpse of this movie over the same old minefield of complaints? I haven't seen it since it was first released and after revisiting the original Halloween and a few of its sequels over the past few weeks, I wanted to see if maybe Zombie's take on the material played a little bit better now than it did back in 2007.

I have to start by saying that I don't have anything against Zombie as a filmmaker. I actually really enjoyed The Devil's Rejects and thought it showed a lot of promise in terms of his future as a writer/director. It's still the most confident entry in his filmography and whether you like it or not, it also established him as something of an auteur. I firmly believe that he's going to make a genuinely great film at some point. Unfortunately, the combination of Rob Zombie and the Halloween property represents a horribly flawed mismatch of director and material.

Do You Remember... Are You Afraid of the Dark?

Submitted for the approval of The Midnight Society...

Here's the first entry in what I plan on making a regular feature here - a look back at some of the more memorable movies & tv shows from my childhood. Since Halloween is right around the corner, it made sense to start with the series that was probably responsible for 70% of my nightmares as a kid. I was going to say 90% at first, but then I remembered how into alien abductions I was after reading Communion and holy fucking monster balls you guys... just do a google image search for the cover. Anyways, where was I...?

Right. So I think I was in fifth grade when my younger sister Erika came home from a sleepover and asked me if I'd ever heard of Snick. It was a block of programming that aired Saturday nights on Nickelodeon (get it?) and at this point in time the line-up included Clarissa Explains It All, Roundhouse, Ren & Stimpy, and... Are You Afraid of the Dark?

'X-Men: First Class' was Surprisingly Solid

My experience with X-Men: First Class is probably going to sound like a lot of other people's. I was unbelievably skeptical of the film's premise, the characters they chose to fill out the team's roster, and the limited amount of time the filmmakers had to shoot it in. Lo and behold, it turned out to be one of the better entries in the X-Men series - and one of the most satisfying films I've seen all summer.

Almost.

'Scream' Should Have Stayed a Trilogy

Here's my main problem with Scream 4 - acknowledging the cliches of a genre or summarizing its current state is not the same thing as satirizing or commenting on it. 

This is a film that uses a couple of lines of dialogue to take shots at the Saw franchise (and torture porn in general) and denounce Hollywood's recent affinity for horror remakes and reboots, but brings absolutely nothing new to the table itself. Scream 4 utilizes the same bag of tricks as the past three films, believing that what worked a decade ago will still work today. It doesn't. Not for me. It has a few jump scares that manage to catch you off guard, but the sad fact is that this movie has nothing resembling genuine suspense or terror.

Through Thick & Thin

2:30 am on a Saturday. My first weekend back in Chicago. I was in the passenger seat of a brand new Mustang GT that was doing 92 mph down Lake Shore Drive.  The girl behind the wheel was drunk. I was drunk. And a famous NBA player was in his Hummer desperately trying to run us off of the road. Not even 48 hours earlier I’d been in Carbondale crying my eyes out over an ex-girlfriend and wishing for death.  Now I was digging my nails into the dashboard and praying my life wouldn’t end like this…

Geeky Cool

These are custom made action figures that re-imagine the Star Wars characters as if they were in an Akira Kurosawa movie. Some of my first toys were the original Star Wars figures my dad bought for himself me before I was old enough to even play with them. And "Seven Samurai" and "Rashomon" are among the most badass movies I've ever seen. So this is hands down one of the geekiest and coolest things I've come across in a long time.

On a side note, my dad was so fanatical about his my Star Wars toys that not only do I have almost every single one ever produced but it was incredibly important to him that the army of storm troopers was actually an army. So I don't have just a couple... I've got like thirty. Suck it, nerds... *hides in corner, re-examines life*

'Boondock Saints II' is a Terrible, Terrible Movie

Let me clarify something right off the bat - I am not hating on The Boondock Saints II: All Saints Day just for the sake of hating on it. Over the years, the original film has become something of a cult classic with a pretty rabid fanbase that remains as defensive as they are passionate about the movie. Conversely, it's also become one of those films that hipster intellectuals have decided is cool to hate. Anyone who pretends to have discerning taste when it comes to cinema probably scoffs at the very mention of the title, whether they've actually seen the movie or not.

I have seen The Boondock Saints... and I don't particularly like it. BUT - I don't hate it either. In fact, I think the reason I dislike it so much is that it had a great deal of potential. It has a really great premise, a pretty solid cast, some very iconic imagery, and a cool title. Seriously. It looks good on a poster. It has all the ingredients for something seriously badass. Not revolutionary, just fun.

Unfortunately, it's all just completely wasted on a (then) first-time director who has no idea how to shoot action scenes, no understanding of pacing or three-act structure, and no clue what the definition of subtle is. But you know what? I get why some people dig it. Even though everything about it is stolen from better films and more talented filmmakers, it still has a really infectious style.

And then there's this God damn sequel...